Beefman: how to survive

Welcome to Beefman Bootcamp. In this guide you’re going to learn (basically) everything you need to know to survive as one of the “best” races ever!

First of all you MUST know how to sear. If you want to stay healthy and not end up in line for several blood transfusions in the future then READ THIS SHIT.

Welding tools, matches, and lighters. These are your best friends and also the most common searing tools. ROUNDSTART, RUSH TO A CIGARETTE VENDOR OR THE TOOL SHED IT DOES NOT MATTER. If you have a welder then tap your chest once. If you have matches or a lighter then tap your chest three times. I’m assuming you’re turning the flame on. You have TWO minutes to sear before you begin feeling the funny effects of severe blood-loss and oxygen deprivation. This part separates the Beefmen from the Beefboys. This is SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST. If you do not know this then your life will be living hell and you will hate every moment of it. Okay! You got past the hard part. Good job, give yourself a pat on the back.

Beefmen are very fragile creatures. While burning yourself might benefit you in the beginning, be very careful not to accidentally toast yourself some more. Because then you will start leaking even more like a damn broken faucet, and that is veeery bad. Heal and re-sear, or else you’ll just burn yourself into crit like a dumbo. Beefmen are also not the best at combat. A Beefman hitting someone with their fists is like getting hit with a cold, meaty, and bloody pillow. It ain’t going to do much. However, a Beefman getting hit is basically filling that pillow up with rocks and then bashing them upside the head with it. You have two options when in combat: Either run away (your safest option, I’ll explain in a bit), or minimize getting hit.

Okay, yeah, Beefmen are basically the racial equivalent of a taped-together ceramic vase, but their MINDS are… Basically that vase but shattered into a million, tiny, little dust particles. Forget the tape, there is almost no fixing this shit. If you haven’t noticed yet, Beefmen tend to hallucinate. A lot. You got to learn to deal with these hallucinations (At least somewhat). Here is a list of some hallucinations, and how you can deal with them.

  • Fire Hallucination - Sit under a shower for like a second. Should go away.
  • Death Hallucination - Nothing, you’re kind of fucked.
  • Flux Anomaly Hallucination - Avoid it if you see one. If it moves into you then you are fine, but if YOU move into it then it’ll shock the piss out of you and you’ll be down for the count.
  • Door Shock Hallucination - Nothing, you’re boned.
  • Bubblegum Hallucination (Big Demon Thing) - Run (at least) all of the way out of the runes.

There are also visual hallucinations and auditory hallucinations that do not affect you. These are usually to pick out from normal conversation, so if anyone is saying that the HoS is Clockcult or if everyone turns into giant carps then you are most likely hallucinating.

Now you may be saying, “Where the fuck is the good part of being a Beefman? This all sounds like shit!” Well, first of all, shut the fuck up. Imagine everything else on this guide as like the shittier beef cuts, and then imagine this part as like the filet mignon. There are several pros that Beefmen have. For example:

  1. You’re immune to the cold. You can EVA with only your internals, a fire suit, and a fire helmet.
  2. You can remove/reattach limbs with any slab of meat. (Disarm intent while targeting the intended limb.) Replacing your damaged limbs with fresh, healthy slabs of meat will heal you as well as remove a portion of whatever reagent is inside you at that time.
  3. You can teleport, albeit very unpredictable and random. Shift+Clicking a Phobetor Tear (those weird red things) will allow you to see where it will take you. You must stand on the same tile as the tear, you must not be in view of anyone else, and your destination must not be watched by anyone.
  4. You’re fast as fuck. Just keep your mood up and you’ll always be able to outrun Security.
  5. You’re part of the best race EVER!!!

This is basically all you need to know in order to live as a Beefman. Good luck out there, and always be sure to state how superior Beefmen are compared to every other race. Bye.

3 Likes

Do healing viruses negatively affect beefmen? I remember a beefman telling me that my healing virus was killing him

Probably, seeing as the only thing keeping Beefmen from bleeding is a bit of burn damage.

2 Likes

Yeah, if the virus heals their burn damage, they’ll start bleeding again.

Dont take nanites if they heal and they do most likely

Nice guide, but ethereals are the true master race