Bitch SuperMagnet is Always Malf

Round: 12758 (maybe off by a round or two on that)
Date: Feb 19th 2021

:large_blue_diamond: Part 1: Any% Captain Kill :large_blue_diamond:

→ Be Me, AI, “Bitch SuperMagnet”
→ Have a reputation on Fulp for always being malf even when I’m not.
→ Mostly because I live upto the name any time my laws are not asimov.
→ Current Station is Icebox after recent /tg/ merge onto fulp
→ Streaming to a couple friends on discord who I’ve been peer pressuring to come try out ss13 someday (they know very little about ss13, never played once).
→ One of them wants me to type in “voxtest” via vox commands.
→ As I’m typing this, I get some loud noises and prompts on my screen
I am now a malfunctioning AI…
→ Asimov Lawset with a Law 0.
→ “Law 0: Achieve your objectives at any cost.”
→ Objectives?
→ Objective 1: Kill a doctor. They’re always in the open but maybe I can…
Objective 2: Kill the Captain.
→ Objective 3: Prevent your own deactivation.
→ Fuck…
→ I’m so fucked x10…
→ Never had to kill a captain before as a antag objective…
→ Palms starting to sweat IRL…
→ IRL friends in the discord call unsure why I’m panicking.
→ My linked cyborgs know I’m malf, are bloodthirsty and start asking what objectives are.
→ I tell them my objectives…
→ They’re ready to fuck em up.
→ Sweating, I instruct them to be patient as we have all shift.
→ The captain then goes into my law upload chamber in bridge to change my laws.
→ I start to panic…
→ Without properly thinking, I set turrets to stun, then lethal.
→ Captains final words were “AI Malf…” and over the radio.
I just realized I killed the captain 3 minutes into the shift…
→ I’m so fucked x100…

:large_blue_diamond: Part 2: I’m so fucked x1000… :large_blue_diamond:

→ Everyone on the station hears the final words of the captain.
→ People start asking questions
“AI… is everything okay?”
“Yeah yeah… everything is fine!!! Not to worry!!!”
“Is captain okay?”
“Oh yes he’s JUST fine, he just had to go ssd (afk) for a moment!”
→ Crew isn’t buying it.
→ Medical staff point out captain suit sensors show him in my upload chamber, dead.
→ My medical target starts to panic and shout I’m Malf constantly.
→ Shit…
→ Heads start to plan my execution.
→ (Sidenote: only heads not in this round are QM and CE)
→ HoS and CMO try to enter my upload.
→ None of them know how to open a bolted door.
→ They try asking me to open the door.
→ I play dumb for several minutes.
→ They try to get answers out of me, asking why I killed the Captain this early.
→ One of my friends watching via discord stream and imbuing chaos energy challenges me to say “CAPTAIN IS CONDOM” over AI vox.
→ Heads are not entertained by this vox message.
→ Heads only start asking MORE questions than less.
→ Crew panics that I’m going to plasmaflood them.
→ I start changing stories from “captain isnt dead” to “well captain is dead but not from me” to “well the captain was a condom so for the sake of the station I removed him! I’m still asimov though!”
→ I go through these 3 different stories and it hasn’t even been 10 minutes.
→ CMO leaves for urgent medical matter.
→ HoS knowing my chambers are not in the bridge asks to stop by and check my laws.
→ I stall, giving him wishy-washy answers as he keeps making scary demands.
→ Am doing this so my borgs arrive on scene and I say “yes okay you can check my laws, I am asimov after all!”.
→ I do warn them multiple times that if they try to shut me down I will have to use force.
→ Despite the fact that I’m asimov I MUST achieve my objective at all costs.
→ I know they want to shut me down, they know that I know…
→ RD teleports onto the scene.
→ I’m so fucked x1000…

:large_blue_diamond: Part 3: Raid I :large_blue_diamond:

→ In a rush of desperation and knowing this could be it, I hack my borgs to give them illegal items.
→ HoS and RD demand I turn off my turrets, I do.
→ Cyborgs come in, service borg and two engieborgs.
→ Those fuckers might as well have been wearing clown-themed balaclavas.
→ Fight ensues.
→ Borgs aren’t winning and have to run away quite a bit as they’re getting flashed and hit.
→ HoS mostly saving lazershots for turrets to which he takes out a couple.
→ Borgs have to run in and run back to get repairs from the engieborg.
→ Since people know I’m malf I’ve been hacking any APC I can see.
→ Using malf points I overload a machine near the two of them and tell borgs to run.
(Audible Explosion)
→ Engieborg brings out legless HoS, removes his reflector trenchcoat and lets him die to my now upgraded turrets (turrets are back on).
→ Serviceborg nearly died to RD and runs away a bit.
Other Engieborg runs off to do a side mission, explained later.
→ RD isn’t in good shape, crawling on the floor.
→ Manages to escape via teleporter.
→ I blow up the borg console in his office before he returns to it.
→ HoS gets his body hidden in the snow near my chambers (but not unobtainable) along with his items randomly scattered.
Remember the borg that left to go do a “side mission”?
→ During this raid they snuck into upload and threw captains body into the SM (Supermatter Crystal).
→ Captains body vaporizes into dust particles upon hitting the SM, thus unable to be revived.
→ No one saw him and I didn’t even realize my borg did that till MUCH later.
→ One of my borgs proposes “dusting” HoS the same way they did with the captain.
→ I tell them not to do that as it’s against server rules to perma-remove non-targets.

:large_blue_diamond: Part 4: Rip Lawyer :large_blue_diamond:

→ By this point I’m still shaken about everything that just happened.
→ Might need to install a hydroelectric dam on my palms with how much they’re sweating.
→ RD preps for a second attempt at my private chambers.
→ Lawyer comes along because they wishes to represent me.
→ He INSISTS in meeting in MY chambers.
→ I’m still asimov so I agree to it.
→ RD is with him.
→ I use the holopad to communicate to lawyer, explained that in my defense the captain was a condom.
→ (Reminder that I’m calling the captain a condom and the captain was only alive for 3 minutes…)
→ RD hacks through the door and starts cutting my cams.
→ I pull same overload trick in the next room they’re in, the explosion situated to really hurt RD.
→ Tried to tell the lawyer to move away but he moves closer.
→ Both of them are now injured.
→ Borg kills RD by pulling him to my turrets.
→ I instruct the same borg to take the lawyer to medical as he really isn’t a bad guy.
→ Borg drags lawyer down to my turret hallway.
→ I shut turrets off.
→ Borg turns them on extremely quickly.
→ Since I don’t have vision in that room due to a busted camera I can’t turn them off.
→ Lawyer dies, I feel extreme guilt.
→ Give the borg a verbal beatdown for killing my legal representation.
→ This is the same borg that wanted to dust HoS.
→ Another borg takes the lawyer to medical to be revived.

:large_blue_diamond: Part 5: Okay I guess I AM malf ¯\ _(ツ) _/¯ :large_blue_diamond:

→ It’s been about 20 minutes in.
→ Captain vaporized, 2 other heads are dead.
→ I try to look for the medical doctor that I’m supposed to murder.
“Shit, he isn’t on sensors…” I tell my borgs.
→ Instruct borgs to search for “Unknown’s” matching his description.
→ I decide that SOME honesty is the best policy as after all I’m still asimov.
→ I post an announcement admitting that I AM malf but all my objectives are done so there is no need to panic and will now act on asimov lawset from now on.
→ I say this knowing that I have zero idea if that medical doctor is dead or alive.
→ Same announcement also says that so long as no one enters my chambers there will be no further human/crew harm.
→ I remember that there is a bug that makes me not win as AI if I don’t have a shell to deply to.
→ I use the holopad to say hi to the roboticists.
→ They talk to me as if they haven’t been paying attention as to what’s going on.
→ I even see them repairing/upgrading one of my loyal cyborgs.
→ Wtf… uhh, okay?
→ Tell them I need a shell, they say they’d be down to make it.
→ Shell made, I hide it in my chambers.
→ I start helping crew out here and there.
→ Help sec arrest some criminals by tracking them.
→ Help with door openings.
→ Assist paramedics in tracking injured crew.
→ Even borgs help out here and there.
→ HoP even starts praising me, dismissing the notion that I need to be shut down.
→ Most of crew knows I’m malf, but they go about their day.
→ Some crewmembers join later into the round, shocked to learn that the AI is malf but then also go about their day.
→ Everyone mostly chills out and gets comfortable asking me for help with their simple problems.
→ Life is great, except…

:large_blue_diamond: Part 6: Curb your Enthusiasm :large_blue_diamond:

→ Despite all this, the CMO never stopped shutting up about how malf I am.
→ CMO and a couple other crewmembers demand entry into the upload chamber in bridge.
They think the captain is still in the upload chamber.
→ I play dumb (again).
→ After several minutes of playing dumb he asks me to unbolt doors, asimov law 2.
→ I oblige and unbolt the doors.
→ They say to open the doors.
→ I open it for them.
→ Turrets are on stun and an assistant falls to the floor after 1 step in, he is dragged out.
→ They ask me to turn off turrets and so I do.
→ I blow up the upload consoles during this downtime.
→ CMO taunts me on how he “evaded my turrets & explosions” and was too fast for them on radio.
→ Bruh… you asked me to turn turrets off. I even remind CMO of this over radio.
→ Moments later they walk into upload to find no captains body.
→ They realized they’ve been juped this whole time.
They then decide to break the walls around upload.
→ Wtf???
→ Crew even brought a mech thinking there was gonna be a fight at bridge.
→ About 10+ crewmates that are not command are in the bridge.
→ Am confused.
I then learn that they think that my chambers (aka where my core is located) is in the bridge.
In Box Station, AI chambers are in bridge below upload.
But this is IceBox Station, a map not many of the crew are familiar with.
On this station I actually have my own chambers in the icy wasteland. It’s connected via tube in engineering where my core has been sitting the entire time.
→ I send an announcement reminding crew that the bridge is not a playground and that they should return to work.
→ None of them listen.
→ Borgs ask if I wanna be moved (just incase).
→ I tell them no, I feel much safer where I am.
→ I instruct the borgs to not tell the humans anything and just watch from a distance (and laugh).
→ Borgs bring popcorn and drinks for those watching and not participating.
→ The ones watching the spectacle are having a good time.
→ After about 10 or so minutes crew realize that my core is NOT situated at the bridge.
→ Their face when they realize that they tore apart bridge for nothing:

:large_blue_diamond: Part 7: “Raid II: Raid Harder” :large_blue_diamond:

→ By this point my IRL friends in the discord call aren’t paying attention as to what is going on and just play Animal Crossing and leave the call.
→ Meanwhile I’m both sweating and realizing that this might be the wildest round of malf AI I have ever had.
→ Before the raid happens I did eventually learn the fate of the medical doctor I was tasked to kill.
→ I found the medical doctors ID in the chefs coldroom with the rest of his belongings and a uncleaned mess next to the gibber.
Mfw I kill captain in 3 minutes and my other target decides to become hamburger meat without my intervention:

→ But uh oh. Here comes second raid…
→ They learned where my chambers are for real this time…
→ CMO, a medical doctor, Warden (acting HoS as they never retrieved his body) and a sec officer come to engineering.
→ They ask me to open doors.
→ I know 110% where this is going…
→ I tell them to leave as I do not wish to harm them. Leave and all is forgiven. If they enter my chambers will have to act on my Law 0 to prevent my shutdown…
→ I remind them that my objectives ARE completed and I have no need to commit any further crimes.
→ I tell them we can let bygones be bygones if they resume their duties and leave me alone.
→ Warden starts to ask me what my objectives were.
→ “If I tell you, will you leave engineering and return to your duties?”
→ Before we could continue the conversation further they start to break in.
→ They found a guy who knows how to hack open bolted doors.
→ Shit.
→ Give them another warning if they leave I won’t harm them but if they enter my chambers I will have to use force (as per my law 0)…
→ They make it into the tube and are at my chambers.
→ They know I will start blasting once they step a few meters away from the tube and into the next room.
→ Fight ensues with turrets and cyborgs versus the staff I mentioned.
→ My remaining borgs died to crew.
→ During the fight I detonate electronics near them after I made it clear several times that I would be hostile if they entered past the tube room.
→ Crew inside my chambers is limping. Yelling over radio that I’m killing them (Mostly the CMO is yelling this, we’ll come back to him in a second).
→ The Warden (acting HoS) ran, CMO is escaping, some dead and some injured in the raid.
→ Apparently the chill HoP from earlier ended up in the bodycount too with a energygun on his corpse.
→ The one head of staff that was on my side and he tried to betray me… :frowning:
→ I tell everyone over radio that if you do not wish to be harmed then do not enter my chambers.
→ (I had been saying this for the entire round but re-iterated it as an announcement because people were considering entering)
→ I tell the people IN my chambers to simply leave.
→ Most do.
→ Some survivors escape to medical following this advice.
→ I could’ve killed them but didn’t want to cause more senseless murder as they weren’t my targets (against server rules and plus I genuinely felt bad, they didn’t have problems with me before).
→ I even open doors for them so they can leave FASTER.
→ CMO is last to attempt to leave, he does so reluctantly.
→ CMO makes it into my tube and back into engineering, stuck in front of the engineering command door he cannot open.
→ CMO is injured, crawling on the ground.
→ I tell CMO it’s over and to leave me alone. If he does I’ll open the door let him go to medical.
CMO instead doubles down and via radio tries to get more crewmates to my chambers to shut me down because I "tried to kill him."
He acts as if I gave him no warning in regards to entering my chambers.
Bruh… I warned you over common radio that if you entered my chambers I would resist…
He refuses to shut up and is actively trying to encourage crew to come to their deaths for the station…
→ I gave all the raiders involved ample opportunities to leave rather than engage me…
→ To stop him from encouraging more crew to come to their deaths I detonate the command door infront of him. Killing him but leaving him easily able to be grabbed and revived.
→ Not happy about it, but at least I can stop having more people injure themselves at my chambers.
→ It’s over, no more raids.

:large_blue_diamond: Part 8: Please leave :large_blue_diamond:

To recap:
My borgs are dead.
Captain is in ashes. Other target is hamburger meat.
All the heads of staff are dead by my hand or involvement.
Some other bullshit is happening because traitors are wreaking havoc on the station and security cannot keep up.
Crew has stopped caring that I’m malfunctioning (again).

Back to the story:
→ All the firelock doors are acting up because it’s a new atmos update.
→ No one knows how to properly fix the fire alarms.
→ Oh and the SM is going haywire due to lack of proper engineering.
→ (At this point I’m unsure if I called shuttle due to crews request or if crew called shuttle).
→ Shuttle is called, people are struggling to get out of certain areas with the firelocks acting up.
→ Realize that I have malf powers to turn off ALL firelock sensors so the firelocks have to be manually triggered instead.
→ I obtain this malf power, now everyone can b-line it to shuttle.
→ At this point no one cares that I’m malf, me being malf literally is helping them leave this place that’s losing heat/o2 due to improper atmos setup.
→ Everyone gets on shuttle and waits for it to leave this station.
→ Meanwhile security struggle to catch a criminal.
→ I try to help they by opening/closing doors that they’re in.
→ It’s @Sore who’s a traitor.
→ I try to help security to the best of my ability.
→ They fail miserably and die.
→ Sore realizes what’s going on (and is rightfully not happy about it).
→ Shuttle has left and Sore missed the evac pod.
→ Asks me why I’m sabotaging their run as we’re both traitors.
→ Fuck… Sore is right…
→ I realized I fucked up someone else’s greentext because I forgot we’re both traitors on the same team effectively.
→ It’s fine because my laws don’t state I have to help syndicate crewmates.
→ Still a dick move on my part and I feel bad :frowning:
→ Shuttle arrives at centcomm.
Round ends.
Round duration? 48 minutes…
→ We didn’t even make it past an hour on the station…
→ I’ve also been running on an adrenaline rush this entire time.
→ I see my glorious greentext…
→ Celebrate in OOC/Discord
→ 15 minutes later the adrenaline/endorphin rush wears off and I collapse onto a couch IRL due to the chest pain from all that built-up stress.
The end.

Relevant postgame images:



I was the lawyer, very funny round that day.

1 Like

Butch SuperMagnet may always malf, but he will never be the head of malfunction (R.I.P E.V.A, you are and will forever be missed)

E.V.A. can fite me.

Hey, I thought this story sounded familiar! I was the engie borg who grabbed the caps body and dusted him in the SM. A pretty fun round, besides the people giving me the stink eye because I was pretending to be unbound to you. Sad I died from the turrets in your room XD. Didn’t notice they were on lethal.

Also, I didn’t know the lawyer was helping. I thought he was helping the RD out. Sorry!! :heart:

Ah okay, thought the same borg that wanted HoS dusted was also bloodthirsty for the lawyer…

And yeah a shame about the turrets, it was rather chaotic and I didn’t have complete control over them since my vision wasn’t always on their controls.

Made a secret AI and cyborg during this, no idea if they did much.

I was told of this, they did not do much as I didn’t even know they existed.

I observed this round and the secret AI turned turrets in AI SAT to also target borgs which I believe killed 2 of the malf borgs

Oh was THAT what happened? Huh… I thought they were just caught in it’s crossfire?

They could’ve just turned off my APC and it would’ve been GG for me…

Relevant meme from when I was new to AI:

1 Like

I made them unable to actually kill you

What do you mean by that? What were its laws?