Byond Account: AtariAlchemist
Character Name(s): E. V. A.
Discord Name (ie: Name#1234): atarisorceress
Round ID of Ban: 14422
Ban Message: As AI, over common, you made a joke about raping and killing a baby:
State your appeal:
2 years and 7 months ago, I appealed this ban. You can read that appeal here. When I wrote that appeal, I was really angry. I didn’t think I had done anything wrong, and tried the basic, almost smug tactic of “I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” The blunt and quick ruling I got left me reeling.
A thought occurred to me that I quickly buried: “Maybe I was wrong?”
Rather than appeal every month though, or search for another server to be an obnoxious tool on, I decided to take a step back from SS13 entirely.
Over time, I found that not only had I developed an unhealthy obsession with the game, but had also been saying anything and everything I wanted, completely unrestricted; an ID without an ego or superego.
I used to think that “comedy has no boundaries” and “anything can be a joke.” Obviously, the actions and sense of humor among other players in-game support this! In reality, it’s a lot closer to “Anything can be a joke, but not everything SHOULD be.” I forgot that a lot of kids play SS13. Just because they acted like kids, doesn’t mean I should.
After living the consequences of this kind of behavior first & second-hand irl, indulging in petty squabbles, and using passive-aggressive behavior to survive, I decided to make a change. I started going to therapy to deal with my ignorance and prejudices, and deeper personal issues such as self-hate. Through this self-reflection, I’ve grown into a more mature and thoughtful person–despite my former self’s best efforts.
Before you roll your eyes, I’m not trying to pass off these last few years as some sort of epic, spiritual journey. I grew older. I made new friends and lost others. life happened as it tends to do, and I learned to hold myself accountable.
Ultimately, what I said was wrong.
No ban appeal or apology has the ability, nor the right to excuse it. It was gross, unnecessary, and most importantly, Hateful. I deserved to be banned for it. Even if (and that’s a big if) the mod message of “…appeal when you’re ready” meant a “temporary” ban, I wasn’t ready. My first appeal proves this.
So, what’s changed?
Firstly, I recognize that what I said was wrong, which is frankly the bare minimum.
Secondly, I’m a far less hateful person. I don’t feel the need to use offensive imagery or slurs.
I don’t identify as any slurs either, because I don’t feel the need to own hate anymore.
I make an effort to actually think about how my actions affect others.
Finally, I try to act out of love and peace, and failing that, avoid perpetuating negative behavior.
Is this enough to earn a place back on the server? That’s not up to me. I’ve floated my opinion out there, and if I haven’t demonstrated a change of character, maybe another 2 years of reflection will.
Either way, thanks for taking the time to read this. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!