Hawkins and Fea's Suicide Emporium™. The Affordable Way Out®

I present to you the tale of Cesar Fea (played by me) and Josh Hawkins (played by Alphanerdd) in their successful foray into entrepreneurship. Cesar and Josh are cofounders of Hawkins and Fea’s Suicide Emporium™. A revolutionary new business that brings killer deals on an array of ways to end it all.

We began our shift by rushing to tool storage before then applying for a loan of extra access at the HoP.

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After getting our extended access we gathered our materials and set to work on our cutting edge facilities.

Once we finished we had a state of the art suicide suite, complete with a gas chamber, and we were ready to open shop.

We began by advertising our fledgling business over common.

Before long we had generated some interest.

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Unfortunately no one wanted our product just yet but we did get a second makeshift shotgun donated.

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After some more advertising and a few interested people we finally got our first customer.

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Relatively soon after a geneticist teleported onto our premises and began to die, however dying on our premises without paying is quite bad for our business so he was thrown out.

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Soon enough we had a new customer who wanted our premium gas chamber package.

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Our customer liked our Hawkins and Fea’s Suicide Emporium™ suffocate and die experience © so much that he seemed to have prayed to the gods to be saved so he could go again and was granted his wish and saved.

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No sooner had he been whisked away by the gods did he show up with another holocredit chip, this time to try the Hawkins and Fea’s Suicide Emporium™ head separation experience ®.

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Soon after we had cleaned up from our customer’s second go round we had yet another eager soul who wanted the Hawkins and Fea’s Suicide Emporium™ head separation experience ®.

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Once we had finished cleaning up, another customer appeared and asked for the Hawkins and Fea’s Suicide Emporium™ high voltage heaven experience ℗.

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And with one last customer satisfied and the shuttle having arrived at Centcomm Cesar and Josh walked into the Hawkins and Fea’s Suicide Emporium™ suicide center ® for one last time…

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And with a business well executed, and good services rendered, Cesar and Josh greeted Astro-Allah with smiles upon their faces.


Apologies for the lower quality of the screenshots. These are taken of a recording of the round which for some reason didn’t record in my native resolution.

This is the content I lurk this forum for, excellent job.

One of the best rounds I’ve ever played, great to see it immortalized in forum thread. 10/10 would shopkeep again

1 Like

This is beautiful

I’d go in there for that pizza.

best thing i’ve read all week

I laughed, I cried. I may have peed a little. Don’t tell anyone!

But seriously, this is hilarious and beautiful.